ok it 435am and i cant sleep, i am tired but just cant shut down. too many things going thru my mind. I enjoyed the trip emmensly most of my memories matched where we went. It was almost like turning the clock back 40 years, i kept expecting to see my brother & sister or hear my mom or uncles comments to us kids. We did find a few new places to visit and my sons friend was very very gracious.I was surprised that my asthma kicked up so bad in colorado and new mexico though we had never been there in april.I was also surprised that we ran into no road construction other than a bit in alburquerque. The people were so friendly out there. i didnt want to come back.
Tonight i am in pain and find myself battling and "winning the cancer battle was really worth it. (i know that arthritis isnt caused by it but the other battles i have were. I am fighting cistitis ( inflamation of the bladder walls) again - it seems like i do every few months. It feels like a bladder infection like i have to "go" every little while and there is the lovely fact that radiation shrunk EVERYTHING from the waist down. I cant stand for long periods of time without getting a severe back ache. My bladder is so small that i have to "go" about every 2 hrs (more if i drink alot). I ccan still hear the doctor when i talked to him about it - his attitude was i should just be grateful i am alive and drink a lot less liquids. Yah easy to say when ya cant get to the bathroom quick enough (or some one was in it and ya end up having an accident). We spent two nights at my sister in laws house and i was extremely embarrassed when she asked me if i was alright as she had heard me every time i got up & went to the bathroom. The fact that my feet and legs swell to about the size of a baseball & become extremely painful to stand on doesn't help either.
I have arthritis of the feet knees hips and hands and it really puts me into a depression. I have nothing to relieve the pain (i am allergic to everything except gabapentin and cant afford gabapentin at $100 a month). It is frustrating and embarrassing. I was told that knee replacements wouldn't do any good but hip replacements would (again i cant afford the surgeries or the physical rehab) and it drives me crazy when my hip locks up while i am trying to lift my leg(s) into the car. The pain is terrible, i end up crying and takes sooo long before i can finally get my leg(s) in the car. Even worse we went out to eat with people we had never met before - and my hands kept spasmming as i tried to cut my food and spear it with the fork. I almost kept dropping the utensils, biting my lips in pain as i tried to massage the spasm out of the hands. I would get it to go away but the moment i curled my hand around the knife or fork it would start again. I was the last to finish eating that night. Everyone sat for about 15 min while i "finished" eating. No one said anything and pretended not to notice
I don't qualify for social security disability (i haven't worked enough quarters). I could try for social security but it really wouldn't be worth it as with social security they also look at spouses income ad take away from what you would get based on what he gets on social security disability, so the amount i would get would be very nominal. I just want to give up. I don't have much of a support system (unlike everyone els in the whole world.My husband tries to sympathize but he doesn't help much, my daughter gives me lip service and is much to busy with her family and their issues. My son is 1500 miles away & has no compassion when it comes to being sick or in pain. My family is no support at all as my bother hasn't spoken to me in 10 yrs & my sister is too wrapped up in her life to do more than say "oh that's too bad". I have thought about going back to work but i never know from one minute to the next how i am going too feel and when it gets bad there is no way i could make it to work and there have been occasions where it has been bad for a week or more at a time and no employer is going to put up with that.
